WTF: Oh The Horror! Part 3

 

AN ACTOR’S RESUME CAN SOMETIMES LOOK A LITTLE SCARY

 

Finely, I am proud to present to you, WTF (What the Friday): Oh The Horror! Part Three. It’s about time! Where have you been? Oh, life, love, and the pursuit of a paycheck sometimes tend to get in the way. But now I’m back and better than ever! Or, at least as good as I was before, for whatever that’s worth. Since the publishing of the previous posts in this series, enough time has passed for Wolverine to grow a decent pair of muttonchops; so if you missed the horror of the talented entries from parts one and two, just click the different looking text here or here to get caught up. Or, if you just prefer to continue moving forward, here’s a brief synopsis of what’s going on:

In the past the horror genre was always viewed as the red-headed stepchild of the film industry. Slasher films, movie monsters, and scream queens have generally brought upon snickers and down-the-nose glances from Hollywood’s elite. It wasn’t until the unprecedented success of Silence of the Lambs in 1991 that it became fashionable to take on a flick that goes bump in the night. But the truth is, the who’s who of Hollywood have been landing roles in horror long before it was trendy to terrify.

And now, the third and final instalment of Oh The Horror! Sorry kids, but all good things must come to an end. Let’s see if we can go out with a bang.

 

Liam Neeson

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for my good movies, I can tell you, you won’t find them here. But what you will find are a very particular set of films, films I have acquired over a very long career. Films that may cause nightmares for people like you. If you forget about these films now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

 

High Spirits (1988) – Martin Brogan

When Peter Plunkett’s Irish castle turned hotel is about to be repossessed, he decides to spice up the attraction a bit for the ‘Yanks’ by having his staff pretend to haunt the castle. [IMDB]

 

 

 

The Haunting (1999) – Dr. David Marrow

When Eleanor, Theo, and Luke decide to take part in a sleep study at a huge mansion, they get more than they bargained for when Dr. Marrow tells them of the house’s ghostly past. [IMDB]

 

 

 

After.Life (2009) – Eliot Deacon

A young woman caught between life and death, and a funeral director who appears to have the gift of transitioning the dead, but might just be intent on burying her alive. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Chris Pine

Young James T. Kirk has had an enterprising (yeah, I went there) career. And according to Rotten Tomatoes, his horror flick wasn’t half bad. It was only 47% bad. But hey, 63% is enough to get you one of those shiny red tomatoes, instead of one of those weird, squished green thingies.

Carriers (2009) – Brian

Four friends fleeing a viral pandemic soon learn they are more dangerous than any virus. [IMDB]

 

 

 

 

Brad Pitt

First of all, I’m proud to say that Brad’s home town is a mere forty-five minutes up the road from me in Shawnee, Oklahoma. They used to have a pretty cool outlet mall, but it got hit by a tornado. Oklahomans have learned not to get too attached to their buildings. Any-hoo, Mr. Angelina Jolie brings six entries to our horror table. His earlier frights are a bit on the cheese side, but his later works are definitely worth a watch, including one of my favorite horror/thrillers of all time. I’ll let you guess which one it is (here’s a hint: it’s one more than his total number entries to this list).

Cutting Class (1989) – Dwight Ingalls

A murderer is loose in a high school in this ‘whodunit’ movie. [IMDB] [That is the lamest synopsis I’ve ever seen!]

 

 

 

Freddy’s Nightmares (TV Series) (1989) – Rick – Episode: Black Tickets

Freddy, the dream serial-killer, hosts this anthology of stories set in springwood. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Tales from the Crypt (TV Series) (1992) – Billy – Episode: King of the Road

Tales of horror based on the gruesome EC horror comics of the 1950’s. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994) – Louis de Pointe du Lac

A vampire tells his epic life story: love, betrayal, loneliness, and hunger. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Se7en (1995) – Mills

Two detectives, a rookie and a veteran, hunt a serial killer who uses the seven deadly sins as his modus operandi. [IMDB]

 

 

 

World War Z (2013) – Gerry Lane

United Nations employee Gerry Lane traverses the world in a race against time to stop the Zombie pandemic that is toppling armies and governments, and threatening to destroy humanity itself. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Daniel Radcliffe

When you’re typecast as one of the most famous fictional characters in history, you can get desperate to branch out and try something new for your film roles. Unfortunately this can lead to some questionable choices, including one of the oddest storylines I’ve ever heard of.

The Woman in Black (2012) – Arthur Kipps

A young lawyer travels to a remote village where he discovers the vengeful ghost of a scorned woman is terrorizing the locals. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Horns (2013) – Ig Perrish

In the aftermath of his girlfriend’s mysterious death, a young man awakens to strange horns sprouting from his temples. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Ryan Reynolds

Here we have yet another instance of bi-polar movie names. IMDB has one name listed for the film, while the poster art displays another. Apparently Big Monster on Campus was just too silly, so they went with the much more respectable Boltneck.

Big Monster on Campus / Boltneck (2000) – Karl O’Reilly

A student receives a serial killer’s brain in a transplant after being thrown into a pool with no water in it. [IMDB]

 

 

 

The Amityville Horror (2005 remake) – George Lutz

A family is terrorized by demonic forces after moving into a home that was the site of a grisly mass-murder. [IMDB]

 

 

 

 

Julia Roberts

Julia’s time spent in the horror genre includes playing the part of Dr. Jekyll’s and Mr. Hyde’s mistress. Talk about keeping things interesting in the bedroom!

Flatliners (1990) – Dr. Rachel Mannus

Medical students bring themselves near death; their experiment begins to go awry. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Mary Reilly (1996) – Mary Reilly

A housemaid falls in love with Dr. Jekyll and his darkly mysterious counterpart, Mr. Hyde. [IMDB]

 

 

 

 

Paul Rudd

Paul is a funny, funny man. However, I find it difficult to find the humor in his choice of horror films. Anytime you’re starring in the sixth instalment of any film series, it’s almost a guarantee your movie is going to be crap.

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995) – Tommy Doyle

Six years ago, Michael Myers terrorized the town of Haddonfield, Illinois. Afterward, he and his niece, Jamie Lloyd, disappeared. Six years later, Jamie has returned to Haddonfield and is once again seeking the assistance of Dr. Loomis. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Sylvester Stallone

This segment goes out to my Okie boy, Eric of the IPC (which STILL sounds Viking to me). Eric loves him some Rocky. Rocky is awesome. However, the presence of The Italian Stallion wasn’t enough to make Eye See You/D-Tox (again with the naming issues) a knockout at the box office. WARNING: SHAMELESS PLUG! Be sure to stay tuned to the IPC for Shitfest Summer, 2014; where, who knows, you may see reviews of a few of the shittier films on this list.

 

Eye See You/D-Tox (2002) – Jake Malloy

Stallone plays a cop who comes undone after witnessing a brutal scene on the job. He checks into a rehab clinic that specializes in treating law enforcement officials. Soon, he finds that his fellow patients are being murdered one by one. [Brennan Storr IMDB]

 

 

 

Emma Stone

Love Emma. Love this movie. Enough said.

 

Zombieland (2009) – Wichita

A shy student trying to reach his family in Ohio, a gun-toting tough guy trying to find the Last Twinkie, and a pair of sisters trying to get to an amusement park, join forces to travel across a zombie filled America. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Kiefer Sutherland

And Mr. Sutherland brings us to our third featured actor to star in Flatliners. His co-stars were Julia Roberts and Kevin Bacon. Three big names for such a meh film. He was also in The Lost Boys, which is just 80’s classic awesomeness!

The Lost Boys (1987) – David

After moving to a new town, two brothers are convinced that the area is frequented by vampires. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Flatliners (1990) – Nelson

Medical students bring themselves near death; their experiment begins to go awry. [IMDB]

 

 

 

The Vanishing (1993) – Jeff Harriman

The boyfriend of an abducted woman never gives up the search as the abductor looks on. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Mirrors (2008) – Ben Carson

An ex-cop and his family are the target of an evil force that is using mirrors as a gateway into their home. [IMDB]

 

 

 

 

Charlize Theron

Charlize is a beautiful and talented, Academy Award winning actress. She also has one of the most mispronounced last names in the film industry. It’s There-on, not The-rone. Charlize’s first venture in the business of movie making, just happened to be a horror film. Her part was uncredited, but considering the film, that’s probably for the best.

The Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (1995) – Young Woman – Uncredited

Two brothers, formerly of the murderous children’s cult of Gatlin Nebraska, are taken to Chicago by an unwitting couple. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Christoph Waltz

Who doesn’t love Christoph? Researching his filmography, I now know way more about German television than I ever thought I would.

Sieben Monde (1998) – Becker

Thomas Krömer follows the traces of a brutal murder in werewolf-manner out of personal interest. After investigating for some time, the traces all point to one person: himself. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Dorian: Pact with the Devil (1998) – Rolf Steiner

A modern retelling of the Oscar Wilde novel. [IMDB] [Thanks IMDB for assuming we’ve all read the book.]

 

 

 

 

Naomi Watts

What’s up with beautiful Hollywood women and the Children of the Corn series? Naomi also starred in Tank Girl as Jet Girl, which isn’t horror, it’s just awesome!

Children of the Corn: The Gathering (1996) – Grace Rhodes

All the kids in a town over- night become feverish and have convulsions. The next day they start to become evil, change their names for those of kids killed long ago, and then start killing any adult in their path in vicious and mysterious forms. [Parca Mortem – IMDB]

 

 

The Ring (2002) – Rachel

A young journalist must investigate a mysterious videotape which seems to cause the death of anyone within a week of viewing. [IMDB]

 

 

 

The Ring Two (2005) – Rachel

Six months after the incidents involving the lethal videotape, new clues prove that there is a new evil lurking in the darkness. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Michelle Williams

Michelle looks like Tinkerbelle made a wish to be a real live girl and became Michelle Williams. She’s just as adorable as can be, but looks incomplete without wings and glitter. It’s funny; I said the same thing about Sean Hayes just the other day.

Species (1995) – Young Sil

A message from outer space contains instructions on how to modify human DNA. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998) – Molly Cartwell

Laurie Strode, now the dean of a Northern California private school with an assumed name, must battle the Shape one last time. And now the life of her own son hangs in the balance. [IMDB]

 

 

 

Bruce Willis

My God, the 80’s were just terrible. Press play to find out why.

 

 

The Twilight Zone (TV Series) (1985) – Peter Novins – Episode: Shatterday / A Little Peace and Quiet

A collection of tales which range from comic to tragic, but often have a wicked sense of humor and an unexpected twist. [IMDB] [This synopsis could also describe M. Knight Shyamalan’s entire filmography.]

 

 

 

The Sixth Sense (1999) – Dr. Malcolm Crowe

A boy who communicates with spirits that don’t know they’re dead, seeks the help of a disheartened child psychologist. [IMDB]

 

 

 

 

Owen Wilson

Owen’s horror film, The Haunting, is a remake of the 1963 film of the same name. Both films are based on the original novel titled, “The Haunting of Hill House” (which is scary as hell – highly recommended). Producers for the 1999 remake wanted to change the name back to the original novel title, but thought it would be too easily confused with House on Haunted Hill (which was released the same year). Thanks Hollywood for once again assuming we’re all as dumb as a box of dead monkeys and can’t make sense of things when you go switchin’ words around.

The Haunting (1999) – Luke Sanderson

When Eleanor, Theo, and Luke decide to take part in a sleep study at a huge mansion, they get more than they bargained for when Dr. Marrow tells them of the house’s ghostly past. [IMDB]

 

 

 

 

Well kids, that’s it, fifty of today’s hottest stars in some of their most forgettable roles. Okay, to be fair some of them are pretty damn good. Hopefully there were some fun surprises, or at the very least you were somewhat entertained. As usual, thanks so much for reading!

BANG!