AN ACTOR’S RESUME CAN SOMETIMES LOOK A LITTLE SCARY
Welcome to part two of WTF (What the Friday): Oh The Horror! What is this? What’s going on? I feel awkward and out of the loop! Fear not my dear readers. If you missed the horror of the talented entries from part one, just click this here link to get yourself all caught up. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
All better? Excellent! Below is the series synopsis that I totally plagiarized from part one because, well I was just too damn lazy to write something new.
“In the past the horror genre was always viewed as the red-headed stepchild of the film industry. Slasher films, movie monsters, and scream queens have generally brought upon snickers and down-the-nose glances from Hollywood’s elite. It wasn’t until the unprecedented success of Silence of the Lambs in 1991 that it became fashionable to take on a flick that goes bump in the night. But the truth is, the who’s who of Hollywood have been landing roles in horror long before it was trendy to terrify.”
And so we continue a three part series showcasing the scary work of some of today’s biggest names in cinema. Some of these films you may have heard of and some will just downright surprise you. Here are the next seventeen entries.
Michael is currently one of Hollywood’s hottest tickets. But before he started filling cinema seats with films like 300, 12 Years a Slave, and the X-Men franchise, this German-Irishman from England had to pay his dues like everyone else. While researching Michael’s body – of work [stay focused people], I discovered he was in a TV Mini-Series with one of the most misleading titles in history called, The Devil’s Whore. Not horror at all, apparently it’s about the English Civil War. WHAT THE..? Oh well, it may not be a suitable addition to our horror list, but at least I have a new phrase to use when people cut me off in traffic.
Refusing to let anything spoil their romantic weekend break, a young couple confronts a gang of loutish youths with terrifyingly brutal consequences. [IMDB]
A man and his brother on a mission of revenge become trapped in a harrowing occult experiment dating back to the Third Reich. [IMDB]
Will’s horror contribution is a mass of title confusion. IMDB lists the title as A Bucket of Blood, but the poster art clearly bares the title of The Death Artist; and the synopsis would suggest that the poster is indeed correct. Maybe newsman Ron Burgundy can shed some light here.
Ron Burgundy: Will Ferrell was in a horror film produced by the Germans in 1904. They named it A Bucket of Blood, which of course in German means, The Devil’s Whore.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there’s no way that’s correct.
Ron Burgundy: I’m sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don’t know what it means. I’ll be honest, I don’t think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn’t it mean The Death Artist?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that’s – that’s what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.
Walter Paisley, a busboy at a cappuccino bar called the Jabberjaw, is praised as a genius after he kills his landlady’s cat and covers it in plaster. Pressured to produce more work, he goes after bigger subjects. [IMDB]
Thank you Canada for the gift of Nathan Fillion. And Poutine. Okay, if you’re not familiar with Poutine, you might be thinking this is something else [and you should be ashamed]. But let me assure you, it is a wonderfully messy, tasty treat. Okay, just stop giggling like a little girl; it’s still not what you think it is…you know what, never mind. You’ve ruined it.
No, but really, Nathan Fillion is the shit.
A group of thieves break into a chamber expecting to find a painting, but instead they release the count himself, who travels to New Orleans to find his nemesis’ daughter, Mary Van Helsing. [IMDB]
A small town is taken over by an alien plague, turning residents into zombies and all forms of mutant monsters. [IMDB]
Following the loss of his family, a man attempts suicide only to discover upon waking that he can identify people who are about to die. [IMDB]
Colin is the second person in history to win the BAFTA and Oscar for best actor two years in a row. None of which were for his crappy horror film.
Awaking from a coma to discover his wife has been killed in a car accident, Ben’s world may as well have come to an end. A few weeks later, Ben’s out of hospital and, attempting to start a new life, he moves home and is befriended by a beautiful young neighbor Charlotte. His life may be turning around but all is not what it seems and, haunted by visions of his dead wife, Ben starts to lose his grip on reality. [Press Release – IMDB]
Mr. Franco has been known to partake in a bit of “the herb”. Obviously parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme were a huge factor in his decision to appear in one of the worst remakes ever made. I don’t know what Nicolas Cage’s excuse was. Drugs are bad kids. Stay in school.
A sheriff investigating the disappearance of a young girl from a small island discovers there’s a larger mystery to solve among the island’s secretive, neo-pagan community. [IMDB]
Before Zach suffered from a series of hangovers, he showed up in a horror film showcasing a bunch of kooky character names like Coors, Pappy, Stumbo, Zap, Motormac, and Claire.
Strange happenings occur on a WWII submarine. [IMDB]
JGL started his career at the tender age of seven, and by ten he was already starring in the creepy TV Series Dark Shadows. At the ripe-ol-age of seventeen he made his first (and only) horror film. Oddly enough, unlike the title suggests, this movie has nothing to do with water. What’s up with that? Oh wait…I just got it.
Laurie Strode, now the dean of a Northern California private school with an assumed name, must battle the Shape one last time and now the life of her own son hangs in the balance. [IMDB]
Will someone please help all the women up that just passed out on the floor? Seriously, just the mention of his name and women drop like panties on prom night. Okay, so Ryan has never really done a horror flick, but I couldn’t help pointing out his early TV career geared toward scaring the tiny tots of the 90’s.
A group of kids (the Midnight Society) get together in the woods and tell ghost stories. [IMDB]
A collection of children’s horror stories by R.L. Stine. [IMDB]
Tom has one of the most stellar careers in Hollywood history. Nominated for a total of seventy-nine awards, he’s walked away with a prize an amazing seventy times, including two Oscars, four Golden Globes, five Emmys, and two AFIs. But in a career that spans three decades, you know there’s got to be some horror hidden in his closet somewhere. Buried underneath an old pair of Dockers, some sweaty gym socks, and an unopened box of chocolates, we’ve unearthed three horror features for your viewing pleasure. [Tom also starred in an episode of The Love Boat as a character named Rick Martin. This has nothing to do with horror, it’s just funny.]
A young bride-to-be is being stalked upon by a serial killer. She gets help from a former lover, but will they manage to escape? [IMDB]
An overstressed suburbanite and his paramilitaric neighbor struggle to prove their paranoid theory that the new family in town is a front for a cannibalistic cult. [IMDB]
A compilation of three episodes from the Tales from the Crypt series (“Carrion Death”, “None but the Lonely Heart”, and “Abra Cadaver”) with some famous cast members and directors. [IMDB]
Band of Brothers, Black Hawk Down, Layer Cake, Sucker Punch, Inception, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Warrior, The Dark Knight Rises, Locke. Pretty impressive resume, huh? Yeah, what follows is not so much.
Re-formed by a coded message to their web site, a group of animal rights activists set off to free an imprisoned colleague from a terrifying ordeal. [Nick Leese – IMDB]
A BBC adaptation of the Victorian “penny dreadful” tale of 18th century “demon barber” Sweeney Todd of Fleet Street, who cuts the throats of unsuspecting clients in his London shop. [IMDB]
A calculating killer coerces a detective to pay for his previous mistakes. [IMDB]
Chris Hemsworth has a huge hammer. He also plays Thor.
Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods. [IMDB]
A variety of horrible poisonous spiders get exposed to a noxious chemical that causes them to grow to monumental proportions. [IMDB]
Before she bent it like Beckham or went swashbuckling with Cap’n Jack Sparrow, Keira starred in a movie called Thunderpants. I didn’t even bother to look up what it was about; I just sat here making up my own story…and it is awesome! Any-hoo, so she also did a horror film with a character name that rivals any Hollywood baby’s moniker.
Four teenagers at a British private school secretly uncover and explore the depth of a sealed underground hole created decades ago as a possible bomb shelter. [IMDB]
Shut up, Meg!
Doctor Baines has been conducting genetic experiments on piranhas and has made them virtually unstoppable. Unfortunately, his assistants, Maggie and Paul, accidentally release the hybrids into the Lost River Lake threatening to destroy everyone in their path. [IMDB]
Four young grade-school girls witness the murder of one of their classmates during what they thought was just an innocent game. [Patrick D. Rockwell – IMDB]
Since he is – self-proclaimed – not famous anymore, I debated whether or not I would even include him on this list. But I decided I couldn’t miss the opportunity to say this, “Dear, Mr. Labeouf. Putting a bag over your head at a red carpet event to make some sort of statement about the perils and woes of fame [cry me a freakin’ river] is neither charming nor clever. It just makes you look like a jackhole. If you don’t want attention, stop contributing to an industry that demands the public accessibility of its participants.” That is all.
Based off the stories of R.L. Stine.
Constantine tells the story of irreverent supernatural detective John Constantine, who has literally been to hell and back. [IMDB]
Short horror mockumentary about a camera crew that follows two serial killers. [IMDB]
Remember when Matthew Mcconaughey was really good looking? Now, he looks so sickly and frail, Betty White offers to help him down the red carpet. I hope that little golden man was worth it Matt. Please eat a cheeseburger. At least back in 1994 when he made his horror entry, he was still pretty to look at. Would you believe this one also stars Rene Zellweger? There’s also a crazy credit for a character named, I’m Not Hurt. No matter what you do, that’s always going to look like a typo on a resume.
A group of teenagers get into a car crash in the Texas woods on prom night, and then wander into an old farmhouse that is home to Leatherface and his insane family of cannibalistic psychopaths. [IMDB]
Julianne Moore is a talented and charming Boston beauty. She has also starred in four horror films. [I tried really hard to come up with something clever and witty for Julianne, but I got nothin’. Really, I don’t know why you’re still reading, there’s nothing funny here. Fine! Chickens in legwarmers. There, are you happy? You’ve reduced me to chicken humor!]
In anthology style, a child tells three stories of horror to keep from being eaten by a witch. [IMDB]
A young female embezzler arrives at the Bates Motel which has terrible secrets of its own. [IMDB]
A female forensic psychiatrist discovers that all of one of her patient’s multiple personalities are murder victims. She will have to find out what’s happening before her time is finished. [IMDB]
A reimagining of the classic horror tale about Carrie White, a shy girl outcast by her peers and sheltered by her deeply religious mother, who unleashes telekinetic terror on her small town after being pushed too far at her senior prom. [IMDB]
I hope to see you all next Friday for the exciting conclusion to our trip down horror lane. Part three will unearth the frightening films of the final sixteen entries on our list, including Liam Neeson, Brad Pitt, and Charlize Theron.