Welcome to the second installment of What the Friday, showcasing some of the craziest films the horror genre has to offer. This Friday’s offering is 2012’s, Scary or Die. In retrospect, given the choice, I’ll take die.
Director: Bob Badway, Michael Emanuel, Igor Meglic
Stars: Domiziano Arcangeli, Corbin Bleu, Shannon Bobo
Well, this was just terrible. And not in that, “This will be fun to sit around and rip apart with friends” kind of terrible, but a huge monkey fling of a poop terrible. Yet another anthology film in the vein of V/H/S and The ABCs of Death, Scary or Die showcases five short stories that they forgot to make scary, and appear to have the production value of $12.50 and a gift card to Applebee’s. The shorts are linked together by a woman viewing each of them on a website called Scary or Die.
The following synopses contain spoilers, so if you plan on ever torturing yourself with this film, well that’s up to you.
Two racist idiots decide to take a girlfriend to a border crossing where they introduce her to their nightly pastime of killing Mexican immigrants as they cross over into Arizona. When they arrive they ask her, “Are you ready for some fun?” “Anything to get out of this van,” she replies as they’re clearly riding in a pickup truck. The filmmakers tried to make one of the actors look a little more bumpkin by putting black stuff on his teeth, but it appears they shot this over the course of one day and the black stuff kept wearing off as the day progressed, so by the end of the short his teeth actually got better. Anyway, not-so-bad-teeth-guy spills some moonshine on the ground which somehow reanimates all the Mexicans and they seek their undead revenge.
Tae Jung’s Lament
“Oh good,” I thought, “A Korean short. Korea makes some fantastic horror films”, (see Whispering Corridors or A Tale of Two Sisters). But no, this was just filmed in Koreatown in Los Angeles. Damn you movie! Tae Jung is a widower who desperately mourns his dead wife. Each night he buys her a single red rose and places it on the mantle next to her picture [aw, that’s actually really sweet], and each night the ghost of his wife woefully watches over Tae Jung in their apartment. One night Tae Jung intervenes when a woman is attacked. She’s so grateful, she insists he joins her for a party the following night at her apartment [she gives him a note that says “Next Friday 1am”, but it looked like it said “Next Friday I am”, and I kept thinking, “Next Friday I am what?”). Tae Jung shows up to the party only to discover the woman is a Vampire and she promptly attacks and kills him. The short ends with the man that attacked the woman the night before showing up at the apartment. We see he’s carrying a bag engraved with the name Van Helsing. He pulls a couple of stakes from the bag and bursts through the door. What the hell did the ghost of his wife have to do with any of this?
This one actually started with some potential. At first I thought it was going to be like Edgar Allan Poe’s The Tell-Tale Heart. A man is driving when he begins to hear a thumping coming from the trunk of his car. He looks nervously in his rearview mirror toward the trunk, which causes him to briefly swerve off the road. This captures the attention of a police officer, who then pulls him over. The officer does his whole “license and registration” spiel, when he’s interrupted by the thumping noise. The driver tries to blow it off, but the officer insists he pop the trunk. Just as the cop is walking to the back of the car, cut to the opening title “Re-membered” and fade to flashback of the driver cutting up a body in the bathroom of a hotel. Sounds kinda good, right? A little suspenseful; you want to know who or what’s in the trunk and if he’s gonna get busted by the cop. So the driver puts the chopped up body in an oversized duffle bag and puts it in the trunk of his car. He leaves a note in the hotel room that says that the job has been done and the money should be left at a pre-arranged location. The driver leaves the hotel and starts, well, driving. He keeps hearing that thumping noise, so he pulls over and checks the trunk. But everything appears to be fine (or as fine as a chopped up body in the trunk can be). So he continues driving, swerves, cop pulls him over, yadda, yadda, yadda. So the cop goes back to check out the trunk and the driver is squirming in his seat. The driver pulls out a gun from the glove compartment and tucks it inside his jacket. The cop closes the trunk, comes back to the window and tells the driver he’s “good to go” and to “have a nice evening”. So the driver is wondering what the hell is going on, so he drives down the road a bit and again, pulls over to check the trunk. He pushes down on the duffle bag which now appears to be empty. He opens the bag only to find some weird talisman and a piece of paper. The piece of paper turns out to be the note he had left in the hotel room, which now has the added words “You can’t kill me” written in blood. Then some dude jumps from bushes and kills him. No, no, no, no, no, no. You’ve ruined it, movie!
I’m not even going to bother with this one. A guy gets bitten by an evil clown that eats kids and slowly turns into an evil clown that eats kids.
Lover Come Back
At this point I was so over this movie that I just wanted it to end. Some woman is walking around town (obviously disheveled and in pretty bad shape) and telling us in a voiceover about finding her true love and how, at first it was great and wonderful and birds sang and unicorns crapped rainbows. And how her grand-père [which I know is French for grandfather, but it sounded out of place when she was saying it so I kept imagining some giant piece of fruit] was some Voodoo guy back in Louisiana and he had cast some spell on her to protect her from harm and if she ever found true love, then that love would never die. Then she explains how eventually her man changed and started beating on her and having affairs. One night she confronts him about his extracurricular activities and he kills her. But that love of hers will never die, so she’s walking around town looking for him and finds him mackin’ on a girl in the backseat of a car. Then we have the big reveal of her face and she looks like a zombie werewolf with rabbit teeth. Then we find out she was the woman looking at the videos online that tie our stories together.