I love a good horror film. I also find joy in really bad horror films. Therefore I present to you a new segment called WTF (What The Friday), where each Friday I will showcase a particularly horror-ble film. Most of these offerings will be of the so-bad-it’s-good variety, but some will be just plain terrible, in which case I will have suffered the 90 minutes for you and your cinematic sanity can stay intact (look at me taking one for the team).
May I present to you 2008’s Trailer Park of Terror. A high production value wasn’t enough to save this film full of gaping plot holes and goofy, clichéd characters. However, the rampage of ridiculousness and several crazy kills was just enough to make this a gleeful guilty pleasure.
Director: Steven Goldmann
Stars: Nichole Hiltz, Lew Temple, Jeanette Brox
Welcome to Tophet Meadows Trailer Park: a roadside community full of the very worst of humanity, just off some highway that runs through some town. Meet Norma. She’s the trailer park trollop who dreams of getting out of this shit-hole town. And when a few of Tophet Meadows’ residents kill Norma’s date to the big dance, Norma makes the most ambiguous covenant in Devil dealing history.
Meets Satan as he’s taking a literal, steaming piss in a field. [Classy.] Satan is played by country music star, Trace Adkins; which is just further proof that country music is a product of the devil. Mr. Adkins proceeds to deliver an overly dramatic speech stating, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Or one that’s been shit on all her life. You know, the weaker ones among us would have you believe that violence never pays. I am not one of those people. I say, therein lies salvation…and eternal gratitude.” He then offers her a gun and asks, “Now, do we have a deal?”
What deal? What sort of goods or services are you offering Mr. Adkins? What is it in what you just said that in any way suggests a deal? Are we to believe that Norma is actually selling her soul just for a gun? Hell, this is the goddam U.S. of A. You can practically get a gun on any street corner. Seriously Norma, what the hell would you do for a Klondike Bar? Norma takes the gun, walks back into the trailer park and lays waist to each of Tophet Meadows’ white trash tenants. She then turns on the propane in a neighbor’s trailer, sits her ass down, has herself one last smoke, and blows the trailer park to shit.
Flash forward twenty some odd years.
A Christian ministries group of troubled teens is returning with their pastor from a week long retreat of salvation in the woods. The group’s members consists of the beginning of a bad joke [a gay guy, a drug addict, a kleptomaniac, and a nymphomaniac are all riding on a bus…], with the exception of a couple of teens where it’s unclear why they got shipped off to Jesus camp, however we do know that one is a dick and the other is his girlfriend.
Well, low and behold on this dark and stormy night, the bus crashes into an abandoned truck. The group is forced to take refuge in a seemingly abandoned trailer park that is now, thanks to Norma’s deal for that where-could-I-possibly-get-my-hands-on-a gun, cursed by the devil and haunted by the decaying corpses of its former residents.
Needless to say, what follows is a series of crazy death scenes. For instance the klepto is killed by the trailer park’s Asian masseuse/prostitute [that’s not racist at all] who jumps on his back until his spine breaks through the skin. Then she asks if he wants a “happy ending”, and proceeds to rip off his tinker-tailor-soldier-spy [I have no idea why that has always sounded like a euphemism for a penis to me]. The massacre of the group continues until the whole damn thing culminates into a climactic demolition derby. I shit you not.
Clearly, the only way to fully appreciate the subtle nuances of this masterpiece is with a box of Moon Pies, a sixer of warm beer, and a list of regrets.